The Vatican

Nothin good to report. I'm being sued I'm 5 months pregnant my bdaddy caught another case. I found some texts on his phone n ended it with him. N he's fuckin with my head real bad. I feel so alone n betrayed n terrified I don't know what to do

What blows most about it is that no one really uses it anymore.
Which actually isnt too terrible cuz its upside is that by the time you read this, I would have already called you all lame for not posting more and you wouldnt have even noticed. A shame.

But really.
Why are people so gay?
I try to extend some type of olive branchish string of communication with you assholes and what do I get? Pure silence. Fuck you guys too!

WHY DOES LIFE SUCK SO BAD!!!!!!

Fluicfke

Get down!

Although its a rainy piss ass lookin day outside, i wont have to see it because imma be in a bar all day. yep.



Happy Birthday to me.

1. I hate people.
I really really do. They dont know how to drive, theyre ignorant, selfserving, backstabbing, evil, arrogant, and just downright annoying.
2. I have this thing...real-time doesnt seem to have very much of an effect on me.
Everyday I just coast through, hour by hour, day by day, I just get by. Not saying that occasionally I enjoy myself, and do something productive....but ya know.
3. I think love is the most important thing.
id slit anyones throat for the people i love....im not kidding.
4. Betrayal is a nay.
Betray me, ill snap your neck.

No shit. Id look myself up, and some other acquaintences, and then Id find out about Aliens, 911, who killed Kennedy, and that other propaganda bullshit.

Fuck today and fuck you.

By the end of the week...my future as Ive seen it for this past month will be different.

Troubles are rollin in again, and its gettin real tough out here for a pimp.

I wont go in to severe details, Im just....controlled venting.

Thats how it started.

This how it is now.

its heart goes bump bump bump

So its been quite awhile LJ since Ive updated you...or read my friends rants on your pages. There seems to be some unnecessary drama in some peoples lives. Terrible to hear that. Truly. Well things could be worse. Take, for instance, my year thus far.

No shit, its only January 27th. But trust me, its still fuckin nuts.


Ch. 1 Financial Responisibilties.
Lets discuss. Put aside the moral financial responsibilities, like the money I owe my uncles girlfriend, or my lawyer, or well..seemingly everyone in the fuckin world. And lets look legal. In traffic tickets from 2008 alone I owe $952.40. I have to pay a good majority of that BY March 9th 2009. Fuck me. Now lets look at court costs, and all those bullshit fines that come with being charged with a felony...over $1000 I do believe. Yes, thankfully I have a job at the moment. And lets hope and pray that I get up on all my cash in time. For I have another suprise expense coming to me in the not too distant future.

Ch. 2 Relationships
For a year or so now, Ive been seeing this guy. Many of you may have met my dearest friend Blue Stacks aka Smoke. At the start it wasnt what it is now, and it shocks both of us that things turned out the way they did. It wasnt intended. In the present however, I dont know if there is a person I care about more than him. Ive busted my balls trying to make sure he and I were straight when all that shit went down hill last year. He makes me truly happy when Im with him, we fake-argue, play, wrestle (and I soooo fuckin win), and we generally just have a good time. Now things are starting to get complicated. A couple weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, dont know how far along I am, ill find that out on Thursday Im sure. Ive done the abortion thing already. I went blindly into it believing I was alot stronger than I was. It wasnt about strength as much as it was humanity. I mistook the two. To this day Im still heartbroken about it. But I did what I thought I needed to do. This one....well, I dont want to go through that again. Theres financial reprocussions to the situation I understand, I just dont know what exactly I expect myself to do just yet. Everyday is different, keep it, get rid of it...off and on. Mom doesnt want me to go down the road that she did. She wants more for me. But I dont want to regret this, and I dont want to feel the same pain that I felt a year ago.
My mom and I are closer than ever it seems. Without having to hide my addictions and things that are going on in my life it seems alot smoother. I used to cower when I heard her say my name. The Monster is woke and I would rush around the house trying to get her put together for work. Now, its a peaceful symbiatic relationship. I dont fuck with her, she doesnt fuck with me. Its all good.

Ch. 3 School
Short chapter. Tried to go to school...they revoked my financial aid....bastards!

Ch. 4 Mental Health
I gotta go see a psych on the 30th. Along with a therapist, and my caseworker. Should be interesting. I wont go into how Im fuckin nuts or anything. I think Ive shared too much already. Anxiety, Depression, and a whole lotta personalities seem to be key issues though. ill keep you posted when Im certifiably crazy.

"It Don't Matter"

Sittin in traffic another day of feeling nothing
Trying to find something I guess it's back to huffin'
Paint and model glue oh how I die when I look
At you smilin' lovin' life and all I know is blue
Rainy days and cold stares broken love affairs
Everything's beautiful as long as I ain't there
I guess I wasn't meant to crack a smile who cares
I think I'll go to sleep for a while now

I'm barely livin' in my skin depression's my only friend
And I don't know where I am heading tryin' to forget where I've been
And I'm so sick of lying God please shwo me that silver lining
Cuz I've heard tale and I'm not well my heads full of hell and
This world's a jail but

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

And as the apin begins to displace had it to ear level
With this place you see it on my face a state of suspended grace
Gradually I erase and find comfort in the sickest womb
I might be present but no in the room
To whom it may consume melting ensembles bleeding chellos running through Bordellos drama
Like Othello hidin' out from Poncharello
Dead off in the Median
Fallin apart like usual handin' out flyers to my funeral

So they say that life's a play and that all the world's a stage
Then for another part I pray the show ends the same way everyday
And my heart carries the pain of a brain I can't explain
Am I insane
Am I insane

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

And everything good is gone
And everything good is gone
And everything good is gone
And everything bad is here
And everything bad is here
And everything bad is here
It doesn't really matter now does it

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

Dear 08.
Get the hell outta here already.

Man, last night was totally fuckin bogue. I went out to get pop, guy in the turning lane, too dark to see him, by the time he was in view it was too late. breaks lock, horn honked, he crashed into my windshield, bouncing off as I accomplish the stop. I get out the car, rushing to his side, GUY GUY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT? CAN YOU HEAR ME? TELL ME YOURE AT LEAST COHEARENT!!! He sits up, blood gushing out of the side of his head, the shakes of anxiety start coming, shock...onlookers shout advice, Im on the phone with 911 rambling my whereabouts and the victims condition, HURRY PLEASE!!!!!!!!! as I scrambled to pick up what was left of his jewelry and shit. SIT DOWN GUY! Do you know what day it is? Whats your name? Personal siezing ensues, onlooker helps guy out with a towel, are you okay? No...my license is suspended, im not on the insurance. I gaze in awe and the human size dent in the windshield....good god what have i done. I pick his phone and hat out of the windshield wipers returning his belongings to him, blood mixing with the rain on the cement. 2 cops from the south, 2 from the north, ambulence is on its way. explaining, fessing up, shaking, no cigarettes, calling whoever I can to let them know whats happened. cuffs on, back of the car. booking, phone calls made, processed and sent into my lonely cell. finding some bleak form of sanity in making calls that i knew wouldnt be recieved. The night was spent perched against the wall balling my eyes out, frame by frame what just happened. IMPACT! Effect! Arraignment in the morning, personal bond issued. Cold walk home, shaking in my moms arms. flashbacks ensue. traumatized.

I was locked up. But Im out now. AND Im still alive.

2 years probation!What the gay right?

3 weeks later and im 2 days from court. Might not be the happy ending that was intended for our dear ol kasserz. Report when i can. Dueces